Resident Evil 4: Scottacon and friends
by Otaconcon
Summary: Another story where myself and some friends enter the world of Resident Evil
1. Entrance

Things I don't have:

A decent razor

A girlfriend

Resident Evil (property of Capcom OMG!)

Yes, it's the spooky voice again… 

Resident Evil 4!

Drewbo opened the car door and stepped out in a single fluid motion. He shaded his eyes with a hand and looked towards the single house. Maybe that was the hotel? His friends Scottacon and Rach got out and stood behind him.

"What's the plan, Drew?" Rach ventured and waited for the reply.

"Fuck knows. Don't even know where we are anymore. We'd better ask in there for directions." He slammed the door behind him and started towards the house. The other two followed, but Scottacon quickly went back to the car and put a sticker on the dashboard.

"Don't want to get any parking tickets."

"Yeah," Drew said sarcastically, "parking tickets."

Drew went up to the man in front of the fireplace and nudged him, "Hey dude, where the fuck are we?" The man shouted insults in Spanish-talk and pointed to the door. Still muttering the old Spanish man leaned beside the fire slowly picked up something. Something?

Desperate for a comeback Drew yelled, "yo momma is but I ain't complaining!" Then he saw what the old man was holding. He roared and lunged at Drew. He closed his eyes and heard something ripping through the air.

Drewbo opened his eyes and saw the man stone cold on the floor. The two blasts had been bullets from Scottacon's 9mm. He spun the pistol on his finger and returned it to his belt. Rach stood beside Drew looking at the body of the old man.

There was a loud noise from outside and looking through the small window the group saw a truck heading back the way they had come. A loud crash and an explosion followed.

The 3 friends looked over the edge of the cliff to the river and saw both vehicles burning and smoking. The bridge they had used to get here had also been destroyed. Each of them swore:

"Shit!" Drew muttered.

"Bitch!" Rach continued.

"Fuckin ass and blam blam!" They turned to look at Scottacon. "What?"

Drew sighed, "guess there's only one way outta here. Looks like were headin to the…"

Scottacon examined the sign,"…village."


	2. The village

After another sign the group came to a dog caught in a bear trap. "Aww. Poor thing," Rach remarked. "We should help it."

"Yeah," Drewbo agreed, "it may help us later in the ga…um, holiday."

Scottacon aimed his pistol at the dog, "one rescue coming up!"

"NO!" Rach knocked Scottacon's arm and the bullet ricocheted off the bear trap. Now free, the dog barked gratefully and ran away. Scottacon fired twice more, missing the animal.

Scottacon shook his fist at the escaping animal, "you muddy funster!"

"Let's move on," Drew suggested.

After 'dealing' with more insane Spaniards, the 3 friends arrived at the large gates to the village. "Actually," Scottacon announced, "this is pretty scary. Should we go back?"

Drew pushed him through the entrance, "shut up you."

They followed Scottacon cautiously and stopped next to a tree. Looking through the binoculars Drewbo could see the villagers working hard. One of the men looked up to an empty stake on the fire shook his head and sighed. The teens sneaked around one of a house and continued to view the Spanish weirdoes.

A woman brandishing a knife appeared behind them and opened her mouth to shout. Drewbo jumped to the side and beat her to it. "Un forastero!" he shouted and promptly ran away. The Spaniards were now aware of Rach and Scottacon so they took cover in another house, barricading the window and door.

From the upstairs window the 2 teens could see the villagers continuing to bang on the door and attempting to gain entry. Suddenly a ladder was pushed up against the window and Scottacon had to smash the glass and push down the ladder to stop the crazies. "What is it with these guys?"

At the same time another villager donned a potato sack and revved his chainsaw. Scottacon and Rachie saw him get pulled behind a barn and was thrown to the ground, out cold.

The door flew off its hinges and the Spaniards stormed the building, followed by Dr Salvador (chainsaw man). The two intruders were frozen with fear until 'Dr Salvador' 360ed with his chainsaw running and decapitated the most of the villagers. "Fuck you!" Drew screamed and removed the sack from his head.

Scottacon smiled, "awesome moves, man!"

The church bell rang and the villagers dropped their weapons and muttered. They went towards the tunnel entrance, "Lord Saddler."

The 3 holidaymakers ran outside as the insignia door closed and locked behind the remaining villagers. Drew sneered, "Where's everyone going, bingo?"

Scottacon counted them off on his fingers, "scrabble, ludo, tic tac toe, chess, draughts, cards, calypso, dominoes…" Rach cut him off with an elbow in the ribs, "ow!"

More dead Spaniards lay around the farmyard, covered with bullet holes. Scottacon put a new magazine into his pistol and Drew turned off the chainsaw. Rach looked at the note on the tree, "guys, look at this."

The note was in Spanish and Drew could only figure out "blue medallions."

"No problem," Scottacon remarked. Rach was now on his shoulders and took the first medallion off the tree branch. They collected the rest of the blue treasures and Drew opened the unlocked gate. Three Spaniards pushed the boulder and it fell down onto the path…


	3. A new ally

Three Spaniards pushed the boulder and it fell down onto the path…in front of the teens and it rolled down. Drew laughed, "ha! Stupid wankers!"

The tunnel next to the fragments of the boulder was full of bats and Rach waved his arms to keep them at bay, "unngh!"

At the end of the tunnel Scottacon examined another warning sign, "bear traps and trip wires ahoy!" A stick of explosives bounced off his head, "fuck it!" They ran back up the tunnel and landed on their stomachs.

Drewbo flipped over and saw the demented men advancing towards the tunnel entrance. His snatched Scottacon's pistol and fired. The tripwire broke and the explosives were activated throwing bald men everywhere. Scottacon took back his pistol, "nice one!"

"Listen!" Rach said. They were now outside the cottage and could hear a thumping from inside.

Scottacon put his ear to the wall, "what the shit?" Drew kicked down the door and the others followed him, carefully avoiding the tripwires and stopping outside a cupboard.

Rach knocked on the cupboard door, "it's in there all right." Drew opened the door and a longhaired Spanish guy fell out.

The boys kicked him until Rachie stopped them, he's a prisoner dumbasses!" She tore the tape off the stranger's mouth and untied him. Drew and Scottacon rolled him over with their feet.

The man stood up rubbing his wrists, "okay, I got one very important question for you: you got any smokes?" Three hands darted into pockets and came out with three different brands. The stranger one of accepted Scottacon's Marlboros.

"Who are you?" the teens asked in unison.

"Me?" he replied, "I'm Luis Sera, a cop from Madrid…Oh great, it's the big cheese!" A tall, pale, bearded man entered with 2 escorts. Drew went to kick him but the big man grabbed his foot and threw him backward into Rach and Luis.

Scottacon pulled out his pistol and shot the man in the face, killing him. However, the two sentries beat him into unconsciousness and took them all away.

In the small building a man stood over his prisoners, "feeble humans let us give you our…" The cloaked man rummaged through his pockets, "oh shhhit, I must have dropped it!" He stormed out of the room.

The 4 prisoners woke up tied together but Drew slipped out and freed the others. "Let's get out of here," he said as he opened the door and crushed a man carrying a massive axe. Suddenly they looked to the window – a man was outside.

The Merchant waved his hand, "over here, strangers." Scottacon sold his watch and bought Drew a Blacktail pistol and Luis got more ammo for his Red9. As they were walking away the Merchant called out, "if you see any blue medallions…"

Scottacon shushed him with a wave, "yeah, yeah we know!"

Luis pushed the metal gates open and they ran for the far door. Drew examined the hole carefully, "it seems it needs some kind of key?"

Luis cut in, "oh the emblem? It's in two pieces in chests around this area." 30 seconds later they knocked the door down.

As they continued Luis dropped some coloured pills. Scottacon stopped to pick up the bottle, "what are these, viagra?" He swallowed one and caught up with the others, stealthily returning the pills to Luis' back pocket.


	4. To the church!

Luis climbed the ladder out of the well and stood with his new allies. Drew looked around, "jeez, do these guys have a bear trap fetish or something?" There were yet more bear traps scattered around and another tripwire connected to explosives.

"Looks pretty dangerous," Scott thought, "Rach had better go first."

They stood at the door and examined the rotating ball. Luis pointed to the emblems, "we just need to turn the ball so the symbol looks like these ones."

5 minutes later Scottacon was still staring blankly at the ball in door, "maybe it needs a key or perhaps…"

Drew pushed past him, "oh fuck this – fire in the hole!" He pulled the pin and dropped a frag grenade in front of the door and pulled Scottacon back round the corner. A deafening explosion followed and the door collapsed, kicking up mountains of dust.

Luis stepped cautiously through the debris, "oh sheet, you gotta stop doing that!" They were too engrossed in the wonders of the emblem key to notice his remark.

Rach slipped the key into her back pocket, "this may come in handy."

Luis cocked his head to one side and looked at them, "why?"

"Because then we can get to the church. There has to be a key for that other locked key somewhere in there!"

Luis snorted, "you didn't realise you could stand on each other's shoulders and unlock it from the other side." He laughed for a while before stopping. "We're not still going to the church are we?"

This time Scottacon snorted, "of course we are! How else are we going to get a Punisher for FREE!" Luis sighed.

Rach turned the key and the metal door opened. Luis had his hands on his hips, "I still say this is stupid!" Drew jabbed him in the ribs hard.

"And I still say shut up!"

"Shuddup willya!" Scottacon pointed down the tunnel, "lets go already."

Drew turned back to Luis, "this ain't over!"

Down in the tunnel Drew rounded the next tunnel and came face-to-face with the Merchant again. "Jesus!" he exclaimed and stumbled backwards. "How do you do that?" The Merchant laughed and they sold their items.

When they had all finished purchasing items and tuning up their weapons the Merchant started, "the grave yard is up ahead. Don't forget the blue medallions must…" Scottacon cut him off again.

"Ok man, we get the point – 10 or more medallions. Sheesh!"

The Merchant laughed, "ha ha ha ha ha. Fuck you, stranger!"

Finally inside the church, Scottacon took the chance to examine the amazing light machine. It seemed that the red, blue and green lights had to make the strange insignia when combined. Scottacon tried a few combinations and thought.

Drew put his head to the door, listening for anything. Suddenly the door shook and there was shouting from inside. Rach was startled, "what is it?"

"Aha!" Scottacon announced, "got it!" He pulled the lever and the lights combined. The door began to open and they drew their weapons…


	5. A new enemy?

Drew flung the door wide open and inside was…a girl? "No!" she protested, "don't come!" She threw a piece of wood at them…that hit Drewbo square in the face.

"Oww!" Drew reeled from the attack as Rach went to comfort the girl.

"We're here to help. Who are you anyway?"

The girl stood up proudly, "my name is Ashley Graham." She looked round at the confused faces. "Ashley Graham! I am the President's daughter!"

Luis' face lit up, "well, it seems the President has armed his daughter with ballistics!" Everyone laughed except Ashley.

"How rude!" Ashley exclaimed, "and…"

Drew cut her off, "shut up bitch! Let's just go already."

Everyone climbed down the ladder one after the other. Everyone except Ashley. "Oh alright!" Drew finally gave in to her demands, "you jump and I'll catch you."

Ashley prepared to jump and Scottacon tapped Drew on the shoulder, "dude, you can totally see up her skirt!"

"Awesome!" Drew turned and looked up. Something hit the floor hard. They looked down at the mangled corpse of Ashley Graham. "Shit."

They rounded the corner leaving the body where it was. Luis pointed ahead, "oh great it's the really big cheese!" A guy in a purple cloak stood with a strange staff in his hand.

The figure was bewildered, "what? Where's the girl?"

The group looked round nervously, "umm…" The cloaked man reconsidered, "no matter, I'll find her myself. Kill them!" Robed figures appeared with crossbows and began to fire on the team. They ran to the far window and jumped through.

Rachie sat up, "well that wasn't so bad!" Scottacon jumped to his feet and screamed, running round in a circle. They grabbed him and inspected his rear.

There was a crossbow bolt lodged in Scottacon's ass. "Ouch," Luis said and gave it a tug making Scottacon scream again.

"Wait a minute," Rach pulled a green herb and gave it to Scott.

He inspected the herb, "what do I do with this?"

"I dunno. Eat it I suppose." Scottacon did and almost spat it out.

"Yuck!" It tasted horrible but the wound automatically healed. "What the hell!"

Back in the graveyard the group got their 12th medallion, "score!" They went back to the catacombs and showed the trinkets to the Merchant.

The Merchant was confused, "I actually wanted you to destroy the medallions."

Drew was taken aback, "really?" He dropped the medallions and stomped on them enthusiastically.

The Merchant laughed and handed Rach the Punisher pistol," ha ha ha ha thank you!"

Now at the gate they saw earlier Drew piggybacked Rach over the door. Scottacon caught up with them and Drew pushed him, "you douchebag! Where have you been?"

Scottacon fumbled for an explanation, "…would you believe I had to take a leak?"

They heard Rach's voice through the door, "OK door's open." They went through the door and saw…


	6. The conclusion

The Merchant stood in front of them and laughed when they all jumped. Drew shouted, "for fuck's sake STOP DOING THAT!" The Merchant laughed again and Drewbo's left breast vibrated. He pulled out his radio.

On the radio screen was a woman with glasses. "Hey Hunnigan," Drew said cheerfully.

She wasn't so happy, "bad news Le…er, I mean Drew. The extraction chopper it…it doesn't have cup holders."

Drew slammed his fist into his palm, "oh you bastards!"

Hunnigan adjusted her glasses, "yes well, it's almost at your position. Just hang in there OK?"

Drew put on his suave look, "so Hunnigan, how about I do a little 'overtime'?" Hunnigan hung up and Drew sighed. They all looked at him, "what the fuck you lookin at!"

They turned to cross the bridge and the Merchant raised his arm, "strange… I mean friends? Can I come with you?"

Scottacon put an arm around him, "well sure ya can!"

They stood outside the cabin waiting for the helicopter. "Oh sheet!" Luis pointed beyond the cabin and they stared. Dr Salvador, the Bella sisters, El Gigantes, Garradors, various Ganados, Jack Krauser, U3 ('it'), Ramon Salazar and his right and left 'hands', J.J. and the disgustingly mutated form of Lord Saddler were advancing on them.

Everyone drew his or her weapons, even the Merchant got a Chicago Typewriter from somewhere. They heard a voice from the top of them cabin, "hey!" Looking up they could see Tankini in a long, pink dress. "Drewbo, use this!" She threw a red-ended rocket launcher to them and grappled away.

Drew looked down the scope, aimed carefully and fired. Villains flew in every direction and there was a massive explosion. They jumped up and down, "alright!"

Just then the extraction helicopter appeared and landed. Mike opened the doors, "come on everyone!"

The helicopter flew away and eventually all the passengers fell asleep. All except for Scottacon. A TV screen came down from the roof and pointed at Scott. The image of Claire, hair slicked back and wearing sunglasses, flickered into life. "Did you get the sample?"

Scottacon held out a container with purplish liquid in it, "yep, got it right here…" He pulled out more items, "…and ALL the bottle caps."

THE END


End file.
